Did you know that October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss
Awareness Month? I’ll bet not. Despite the infant mortality crisis that’s
been at the forefront of Milwaukee’s public health news for months, the
only people who have more than a cursory comprehension of what it
means to lose a baby are those who’ve lived it.
Infant loss is nature’s cruelest practical joke. It’s investing all of
the required time and effort into pregnancy, only to be robbed of the
result. It’s cradling a body that grew within your own and trying to
reconcile the cold, lifeless form in your arms with your memory of the
baby who turned double flips in your womb.
It’s worrying that you’ll forget what your child looked like and
snapping an album’s worth of photos that no one will ever ask to see. It’s
sobbing so hard you can’t breathe and wondering if it’s possible to cry
yourself to death.
Infant loss is handing off a Moses basket to the nurse who’s
drawn the unfortunate duty of delivering your pride and joy to the
morgue and walking out of a hospital with empty arms.
It’s boxing up brand new baby clothes and buying a 24-inch
casket. It’s sifting through sympathy cards, willing your foolish body to
stop lactating, clutching your baby’s blanket to your chest in hopes of
soothing the piercing ache in your heart.
It’s resisting the urge to smack the clueless individuals who
compare your situation to the death of their dog or who tell you you’ll
have another baby, as if children are somehow replaceable.
Infant loss is explaining to your 7-year-old that sometimes
babies die and being stumped into silence when she asks you why. It’s
watching other families live out your happy ending and fighting a fresh
round of grief with every milestone you miss.
It’s being shut out of play groups for perpetuity. It’s skipping
social events with expectant and newly minted mothers because, as a
walking worst-case scenario, you don’t want to put a damper on the
It’s listening to other women gripe about motherhood and
realizing that you no longer relate to their petty parental complaints
because, frankly, when you’ve buried a baby, a sleepless night with a
vomiting toddler sounds something like a gift.
Infant loss is pruning from your life the friends and relatives
who ignore or minimize your loss. It’s recognizing that,
while they may not mean to be hurtful, the fact that they don’t
know any better doesn’t make their utter lack of empathy one
whit easier to bear.
My baby girl would have been 5 years old this month. I
don’t know what she’d look like, what her favorite food would
be. I’ve never had the privilege of tucking her into bed, taking
her to the zoo or kissing her boo-boos. I will never watch her
graduate or walk down the aisle. Infant loss is more than an
empty cradle. It’s a life sentence.