It was a great pregnancy. I had no morning sickness except for the one morning I ate a banana and a prenatal vitamin. I knew of you on the night of February 27, 2002. I was so happy and could only gasp in disbelief. Your father knew before I, he held the pregnancy test in his hands as it turned positively purple.
In the beginning, I was hungry for bacon and beef, then, it was juices and tomatoes. My breasts tingled, were sore every other day, and soon my D cup bra size was too small. It was nice to not have a period or go shopping for feminine products. My complexion was clearer and I drank a lot of water everyday. I was always so thirsty. As soon as I found out I was pregnant, I started to take prenatal vitamins.
Your father was to pick your name if you were a girl and I would pick your name if you were a boy. I felt a new hope in my life. Your father started thinking about your red egg party. Two pregnancy books were given to me. I purchased another one over a year ago. I read them constantly.
A pacifier and a pacifier holder were given to me by a secret co-worker. Your paternal grandmother, bought maternity clothes for me. Your maternal grandmother would kiss you through my belly every time I saw her.
At your first prenatal visit, the doctor couldn’t find your heartbeat. We all thought it could have been the dates, maybe they were off. The ultra sound confirmed you had died during the seventh week of pregnancy and you hadn’t left me by week twelve.
We read our poem, said goodbye, then, four days later you were ready to pass through me. The contractions were the one thing I never anticipated. They were amazing yet painful. It was a sad, scary and anxious time not knowing what would really happen next. Over a month later, finally, I’m not bleeding anymore.
We still talk about you. It was surprising to see my nipples get back to their pre-pregnancy color. I haven’t felt alone, empty, or aching for you. What I do think of often is how I felt special. I felt like a mom. I felt so close to your father. I felt so much love for you. So much love for my baby. We are parents of a baby that will only live in our hearts for the rest of our lives. You are Baby Louie the First.